i hate to be this predictable, but, honestly.....
if you liked it then you should've put a ring on it.
figuratively speaking of course. whoa-o-o!
Showing posts with label ex bfs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ex bfs. Show all posts
11th
i do not like to admit that i occasionally read the blogs of people who are internet-famous for blogging, but sarah morrison's blog had this on it after vague stories about boys she's known, from kind of a long time ago, and i read it this week as it made sense in conjunction with a lot of things that have been going on in my head simultaneously:
.....Some of these boys come back in and out of the above scenarios. Some do not speak to me for years, months, days, or ever again. Some move back in. Some leave for good. I am simply there. I am really not a part of any of these stories. These are not really my stories. They are theirs. I could be anyone. I could be anything. I am simply their mistake.
People will yell at the person at the flight counter because they missed their flight.
They will yell at the parking ticket attendant for issuing the ticket on his windshield.
They will insist it was their alarm clock not them that made them late to work.
They will blame you because they could not have you back.
They will blame you because they loved you too much.
They will blame you because they let you down.
They will blame you because they still love you.
They will blame you because you are easier than blaming themselves.
They will blame you for being their mistake.
mostly this week i learned that you can stop being angry at someone without actually forgiving them. it's a relief to know. this means that if you earn it, i never have to forgive you, but we can peacefully coexist and still get to laugh at each other's jokes.
the person i learned this from is not who it's the most useful to apply it to.
this means that there is someone else i don't feel i have to forgive. but don't worry. i'm not mad.
.....Some of these boys come back in and out of the above scenarios. Some do not speak to me for years, months, days, or ever again. Some move back in. Some leave for good. I am simply there. I am really not a part of any of these stories. These are not really my stories. They are theirs. I could be anyone. I could be anything. I am simply their mistake.
People will yell at the person at the flight counter because they missed their flight.
They will yell at the parking ticket attendant for issuing the ticket on his windshield.
They will insist it was their alarm clock not them that made them late to work.
They will blame you because they could not have you back.
They will blame you because they loved you too much.
They will blame you because they let you down.
They will blame you because they still love you.
They will blame you because you are easier than blaming themselves.
They will blame you for being their mistake.
mostly this week i learned that you can stop being angry at someone without actually forgiving them. it's a relief to know. this means that if you earn it, i never have to forgive you, but we can peacefully coexist and still get to laugh at each other's jokes.
the person i learned this from is not who it's the most useful to apply it to.
this means that there is someone else i don't feel i have to forgive. but don't worry. i'm not mad.
2nd
i've got fun to report and pictures to go with it, but i'm waiting for access to them first.
something has been going on for a little while that i initially didn't have a problem with... sometimes even supported, because i thought it would have some sort of productive, peaceful end. i now realize that it won't and my feelings on it have turned to a (familiar) nausea and repulsion, because people don't change and i don't have the kind of patience for tired methods that i once had. it's great to know you're on someone's mind, but not if it turns out they never got a single point you tried to make.
last night was great but i displayed my new skill of walking away instead of fighting with people more than once, and this is just one more to add. this is me getting it out of my system. there's no need to tell anyone what they've done anymore. if they don't know, they (still) don't get it, and telling them won't change that on a bigger scale.
something has been going on for a little while that i initially didn't have a problem with... sometimes even supported, because i thought it would have some sort of productive, peaceful end. i now realize that it won't and my feelings on it have turned to a (familiar) nausea and repulsion, because people don't change and i don't have the kind of patience for tired methods that i once had. it's great to know you're on someone's mind, but not if it turns out they never got a single point you tried to make.
last night was great but i displayed my new skill of walking away instead of fighting with people more than once, and this is just one more to add. this is me getting it out of my system. there's no need to tell anyone what they've done anymore. if they don't know, they (still) don't get it, and telling them won't change that on a bigger scale.
23rd
i see 18 year old couples every day now, and so many times the "good girl" and the "bad boyfriend" are in the hall and she's freaking out about his phone ringing or getting a text. and the guy is all exasperated and she's all mad. and i want to be like, seriously? dude, make sure your phone is clean and just let her clear her paranoia, and girl, unless you want to marry the dude, just leave it alone. you don't want to know the things young dudes (and old dudes) will say to anyone to ease their insecurities. at the same time, little girl, if that's all it is you're probably lucky. i've seen both, and is flirtation for an ego boost disappointing? yes. but reading about sexual encounters of the second, third, fourth, and fifth kind is way, way worse.
basically i'm lucky that the boyfriend i had when i was 18 only made me cry about another girl because she told him she liked him and he said he had a girlfriend that he loved very much. brett klein, you damn saint. and thank god i'm not 18 anymore... that shit was wacky.
"a pimp tells the truth and keeps them all on deck. cheaters and liars are just that, not pimps."
-jennifer christensen
"who knew modern technology would just give people more ways to be scumbags?"
-rachel arias
"i can't tell if it's crazier that smarmy used to be so appealing, or that it isn't anymore... i guess that means we're growing up."
-me
basically i'm lucky that the boyfriend i had when i was 18 only made me cry about another girl because she told him she liked him and he said he had a girlfriend that he loved very much. brett klein, you damn saint. and thank god i'm not 18 anymore... that shit was wacky.
"a pimp tells the truth and keeps them all on deck. cheaters and liars are just that, not pimps."
-jennifer christensen
"who knew modern technology would just give people more ways to be scumbags?"
-rachel arias
"i can't tell if it's crazier that smarmy used to be so appealing, or that it isn't anymore... i guess that means we're growing up."
-me
29th
if you are a man, and you are coming out of a long term relationship, and you need a "substantial" rebound.... make sure it is with someone you can avoid when you go back to your relationship. if for some reason this proves impossible, then maybe you should do your rebound girl the courtesy of letting her know. instead of letting her just... see it. so she doesn't look at you nearly every day and tell you with her mean eyes "I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE NOT TELLING ME BECAUSE YOU ARE A COWARD AND A BABY... and i wish i had never slept next to you because now i'm thinking about it."
2nd
i was an interim replacement. i was a temporary stand-in.
i learned this when i saw you making her offers in front of not just me but others who have followed the story. the kind of humiliation i should be used to by now. this shit gnaws at my head when i am alone with it. hence why i try to avoid it as much as possible.
i no longer wish for you. that version doesn't even exist. what i wish for every time i get a chance to wish is for it to make sense or for someone to explain it to me so i understand what in the name of chase hot-ass crawford happened. it's all i want. and until it happens i can't move forward. i'll be right here.
i learned this when i saw you making her offers in front of not just me but others who have followed the story. the kind of humiliation i should be used to by now. this shit gnaws at my head when i am alone with it. hence why i try to avoid it as much as possible.
i no longer wish for you. that version doesn't even exist. what i wish for every time i get a chance to wish is for it to make sense or for someone to explain it to me so i understand what in the name of chase hot-ass crawford happened. it's all i want. and until it happens i can't move forward. i'll be right here.
17th
it really blows my mind how someone who has lived with his girlfriend for 6 of the 7 years i've known him can text me that he "misses me" (no, i do not miss you also) and that he's "never met anyone who almost made him give everything up quite so much." this (obviously) translates to how he rented a house in the hills for 3 weeks after getting paid for script doctoring for the writer of this years indie smash, where he thought of ways of making me marry him. oh he was a touch drunk i'm sure but his typing was perfect so this is some kind of leaky sincerity i'm getting. my response to this was to ask why this fool loves me so much despite his irrelevance and the number of people who have hurt my feelings way more recently and the fact that he has little to offer besides adultery. then he called me a brat. since you know, i'm in the wrong here. and told me i was uninformed because i'm incapable of taking him seriously. heeheefuckinghee, i wonder why. said as much and he said he was waiting til he had a credit to impress me with. because i care about your CREDIT, BRO. i don't have a history of loving the homeless, unemployed, uninsured, AT ALL. he claimed he was paraphrasing when he said "why should you give a fuck about me at this point?" when actually that is a quote from my soul considering dude was never any good to me and still tries to guilt me regularly for not asking about his fucking life. here's my favorite part, he says "i regret every time i tried to tell you i cared about you by touching you [EW!] and i know you don't care about me at all and it's my fault." and since i'm so fucking charming, i'm all, did you get dumped or something? and then it tapers off because he starts talking about how funny that is because he's never been dumped and i'm a little incredulous so he's offended but seriously, i get dumped like a freight train to the back of the head and this sack of shit never gets kicked to the curb? fucking injustice. no wonder i pretend his last name is "ballsacks."
anyway. between this and some old emails i read from an individual i scored a semi-private and AWESOMELY VAST victory over recently that made me go "was i drunk or possibly made of string?" regarding the crap i let slide, and the fucking crippling sadness i've felt for three and a half months now, i am really not down for corralling any dude that isn't handsome as fuck and prince goddamn charming and thinks my neurosis, psychosis, and penchant for obnoxious behavior (and obnoxious music) is just the most adorable thing ever.
anyway. between this and some old emails i read from an individual i scored a semi-private and AWESOMELY VAST victory over recently that made me go "was i drunk or possibly made of string?" regarding the crap i let slide, and the fucking crippling sadness i've felt for three and a half months now, i am really not down for corralling any dude that isn't handsome as fuck and prince goddamn charming and thinks my neurosis, psychosis, and penchant for obnoxious behavior (and obnoxious music) is just the most adorable thing ever.
1st
these words were never easier for me to say, or you to second guess.
but i guess.
that i can live without you but without you i'll be miserable at best.
7th
haha. just kidding!
i got nothing. it was all a big trick.
the sun rises on this. the sun sets on this.
and i was not even this sad on august 14th. at least that made sense. at least that was for the best. good god.
i got nothing. it was all a big trick.
the sun rises on this. the sun sets on this.
and i was not even this sad on august 14th. at least that made sense. at least that was for the best. good god.
22nd
no matter where i am or what i see or how small and selfish i feel compared to my surroundings, i remember that when i get home, i will still not be _______ enough. or maybe only by comparison.
travelling alone makes me needy for things i allegedly have.
travelling alone makes me needy for things i allegedly have.
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