30th

i accept payment in the form of glory.

i'm watching the edit right now and i will be just as stoked when this bad boy is finished.

24th

"this chapter of my life is called 'big riff and the snakes'"

-josh forbes, music video director and profound observer.

18th

i belong to the school of distraction, which is one of the many reasons i will miss the little salamander that backed up her camry almost daily so i didn't have to walk four extra feet. there's a time and place for feelings and this is not it, dude.

do yourself a favor if you like laughing or animals or me because i honestly feel like this website is a portion of myself, and visit fuckyoupenguin.blogspot.com. i also for some reason admire the fact that it's been kept a blogspot.

speaking of animals, i literally saw a rooster on alvarado and a skunk on hyperion. all in one day. i don't live on a farm or in the fucking forest so what is that about exactly? can animals be hipsters? my mind actually works like that, true story.

also, ladyfriends:

makeup forever makes a powder that could potentially change the world. think about how you felt about bare escentuals when it was new and seemed like a whole new frontier? this is like some next level shit. it will make you look airbrushed and photoshopped. i honestly thinks dudes could wear it, should they want a more flawless complexion.

well jesus, this was fucking boring, right, ex girlfriends of dudes i may or may not have dated at some point in time that read my blog for no actual reason? i mean maybe it wasn't, maybe i just opened your eyes to a beauty product that you'll appreciate. who knows, either way, there's no dick touching in my life so breathe easy babe.

13th

let's talk about rock of love tour bus this week. first of all. this bitch is the star of the crazy rodeo:

brittaney. she is an ex-porn star. her fake boobs are old, wrinkled, and laced with stretch marks. they resembled blue ribbon cantaloupes from 1984.

not to mention that she burst into tears several times in the episode, and pulled the race card on natasha, telling her she got a VIP pass because she's black. "i'm not that crazy wild naked person anymore." well, she isn't naked... i love how they play murder music when they show her.

(this picture does her no justice.) to natasha's credit, her retaliation was "you tan to get closer to my complexion, bitch." after which brittany sniffles "my grandfather was black," and reiterates this in her confessional shot, adding, "he was a beautiful black man." o rly? how did he feel about ur pornoz lol?

another two of my favorites:

marcia has said about herself: "im a sweet brazilian bombshell" which is a dumb thing to say. she also says "wooooo, TEQUILA!" with that unnecessary spanish accent and makes the rock sign way too much.

but i still like her. she had beef with this bitch last week, the highlight of which was something like "i'm not just going to let this bitch throw chips at me"

um, hi! your face is scary as fuck! what else is there to say? she looks like she's had botox already and like something is always stinky.

now they're best friends, because they like tequila and have the same earrings! yayy!!!


this is farrah, who won a VIP pass for borrowing mystery's big furry top hat for her and brett's fake wedding. to be fair, he was dressed like a twink chippendale.

g-a-y!

the penthouse pet is STILL the classiest one.

here she is giving bret the lingerie from her first penthouse shoot. point made.

this one was eliminated this week. she has a masters in storytelling...

...you don't fucking say. of course you do!

parting words: "i thought this was rock of love, not rock of fuck" someone doesn't have cable.

i miss dj lady tribe!



i think i'm in love with maria, the 40-year old former model:

not only do kat and i need her plastic's surgeon's number, she also responds appropriately to awkward situations:

(bittaney)

brava. i love vh1. the end.

12th

i was watching the video for 'miserable at best' by mayday parade, which i'll link but not embed because while it was pretty, it made no sense and i am a snob. here. the best part was when i scrolled down to see if any of the comments explained what exactly the storyline was supposed to be (they didn't) and found this instead:



i don't know who you are, mikey.reinv...ented? but you made me laugh today.

11th

i was reading diablo cody's blog again and she was talking about the snuggie, which i attempted to explain to kat.

"a snuggie is pretty much a slanket" -me
"can you hear yourself talking right now? its like you're giving a lecture on alternative blankets" -kat


(the inspirational photo of diablo in a snuggie)

(the slanket.... this guy creeps the fuck out of me)


I WAS RIGHT THOUGH.

10th

Diablo Cody is such a good writer that even her myspace blog is well written and fun to read. even her twitter is! do you know how frustrating that is? it's making me wonder if i'm good at anything, if i have any talents to speak of. i can't write for shit, i don't birth ideas... i can tell you what line number parking tolls and gas is and i can let you know your rate on a 8k/15k/40k/100k (curiously, on the last two it probably wouldn't differ much) job, but that's boring. i was under the impression that i had some sort of creative skill and i'm suddenly terrified that i've been wrong all this time.

7th

amazing still it seems...
i'm 23 and i have eye wrinkles galore.


but you still can't really tell in photobooth. and i guess that's what counts.

the best birthdays are the ones where you only rely on the people you know will show up. the best parts are the ones where only they are invited.

4th

ok, i give.

i want a vampire boyfriend, and i want him to look like this.

i fell victim to the shitty vampire trend. awesome. i'm a girl.