25th

i thought august was going to be amazing, and it wasn't. i am poor, and awkwardly sloshing my way through possible solutions. i feel somehow ok. i am not allergic to solitude in any capacity. i am looking forward to fall. i am overwhelmingly happy for those around me who have found people to inspire feelings. i realize now that no one ever begrudged me my happiness and i'm grateful for it (yet still miss your crazy ass on occasion). making dates gets things done. i will go bowling, eat crab legs, do cardio, get rid of a lot of stuff, swim more, play volleyball, see a psychic who may or may not be full of shit. i always made going- back- to- school resolutions, this will have to suffice.

hand to mouth in the literal, less depressing sense.

17th

it really blows my mind how someone who has lived with his girlfriend for 6 of the 7 years i've known him can text me that he "misses me" (no, i do not miss you also) and that he's "never met anyone who almost made him give everything up quite so much." this (obviously) translates to how he rented a house in the hills for 3 weeks after getting paid for script doctoring for the writer of this years indie smash, where he thought of ways of making me marry him. oh he was a touch drunk i'm sure but his typing was perfect so this is some kind of leaky sincerity i'm getting. my response to this was to ask why this fool loves me so much despite his irrelevance and the number of people who have hurt my feelings way more recently and the fact that he has little to offer besides adultery. then he called me a brat. since you know, i'm in the wrong here. and told me i was uninformed because i'm incapable of taking him seriously. heeheefuckinghee, i wonder why. said as much and he said he was waiting til he had a credit to impress me with. because i care about your CREDIT, BRO. i don't have a history of loving the homeless, unemployed, uninsured, AT ALL. he claimed he was paraphrasing when he said "why should you give a fuck about me at this point?" when actually that is a quote from my soul considering dude was never any good to me and still tries to guilt me regularly for not asking about his fucking life. here's my favorite part, he says "i regret every time i tried to tell you i cared about you by touching you [EW!] and i know you don't care about me at all and it's my fault." and since i'm so fucking charming, i'm all, did you get dumped or something? and then it tapers off because he starts talking about how funny that is because he's never been dumped and i'm a little incredulous so he's offended but seriously, i get dumped like a freight train to the back of the head and this sack of shit never gets kicked to the curb? fucking injustice. no wonder i pretend his last name is "ballsacks."

anyway. between this and some old emails i read from an individual i scored a semi-private and AWESOMELY VAST victory over recently that made me go "was i drunk or possibly made of string?" regarding the crap i let slide, and the fucking crippling sadness i've felt for three and a half months now, i am really not down for corralling any dude that isn't handsome as fuck and prince goddamn charming and thinks my neurosis, psychosis, and penchant for obnoxious behavior (and obnoxious music) is just the most adorable thing ever.

7th

while even phil hangs his head in shame, sometimes you just need sing-a-longs that wake the neighbors so you forget that on occasion, you shut your eyes hoping it will help you breathe better.

either that, or you tell a shark at the aquarium that he will feel better if he just watches the olympics.

2nd

this is where ash hits water.

this is where i learned to be so hardcore.